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THE ELF ON THE FREAKING SHELF

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How I wish it was

Most parents these days seem incapable of instilling discipline in their children.  Kids run amok in restaurants, stores, on airplanes, etc.  When I was in Vegas, I actually heard a mother complaining because her kid wasn’t allowed in the TOPLESS POOL!  Thank God, the concierge hung tough about that one or one of our last kidless bastions would be no more.  I looked into a vacation at an “adults only” resort thinking I would run into like minded people who didn’t want to be held hostage by screaming kids and their screaming, ineffectual parents.  Unfortunately, adults only means orgy.  My dreams of a tropical kid free vacation were dashed.

In the same conversation, I heard a mother berating Barbie for not being a “real” woman.  She is afraid that playing with Malibu Barbie is going to make her porky kid anorexic.  Not bloody likely.  She wants a fat barbie.  I guess fat, bloated, trailer park Barbie is preferable to skinny, spray tanned, athletic Malibu Barbie.  At least Malibu Barbie gets off the couch, drives around in her pink jeep and spreads sunshine and happiness.  Anyway, this woman who rabidly hates Barbie, thinks the creepy Elf of the shelf is the shit.

At this point in the conversation, I had to stop her to have her explain about the Elf.  It seems that she paid $30 (more than a Barbie, I’m just saying) to try to exert some control over her kids.  I guess the pressure of Santa watching is no longer enough.  God knows, most kids aren’t afraid of their parents.  Now we must bring in the creepy freaking elf.  Apparently, parents tell their kids the elf is watching them to make sure they are being good.  They move the elf around and have it do “silly” stuff.

Let me get this straight, people are paying $30 for a creepy doll and telling kids it’s watching them?  Awesome!  At this point, I’m impressed.  I’m all for scaring children, especially if it involves a creepy doll that may or may not be haunted.  As I realize people name their elves and have them do stupid stuff, I’m back to my original feeling of disgust.

A couple of days after I have this conversation with my (former) friend, I notice some pictures showing up on my Facebook newsfeed of elves doing various things.  The most egregious example would be fishing from the toilet.  How is that a good idea?  There were a bunch of comments on how cute it was.  Not one comment on how creepy/gross/unsanitary is is to put a fucking elf on your toilet, give him a fishing pole (where did she find that), and have him fishing for goldfish.  How is this normal?  No one called social services.

One lady, even dumped an entire bag of flour on the floor and said the elf did it? Really? Christ, even her kids aren’t dumb enough to believe that. Nor are they dumb enough to clean it up. Guess which dumbass DID clean it up? Yep, mom.

I could (and might) go on and on. Let’s just say that these people have WAY too much time on their hands. I would love to see a study of how the mothers who include the Elf on the shelf, among other crazy things, create neurotic children.

Here is an idea, most of your kids sit on their asses all day playing video games or watching One Direction videos. How about turning off the cable, slathering your kids in sunscreen and making them get on their bikes and MOVE?!

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How it really is.

About carpecrapula

I blog to save my friends and family from reading my inane text messages...

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